Just let me lie here on the tile

I recently fell down a Wikipedia hole, and one of the shiny bits of treasure I dug up was this letter from Dorothy L. Sayers, about her book Murder Must Advertise:

The new book is nearly done. I hate it because it isn't the one I wanted to write, but I had to shove it in because I couldn't get the technical dope on The Nine Tailors in time. Still, you never know what people will fancy, do you? It...deals with the dope-traffic, which is fashionable at the moment, but I don't feel that this part is very convincing, as I can't say "I know dope". Not one of my best efforts.

I mean. Wow. First of all, it is one of her best efforts--it's easily my favorite, even though yes, she's right, the dope-traffic stuff is the part I usually skip. The book is half pulp novel and half advertising agency comedy, and the latter half is pure gold. I could read a whole series set in the agency, with all its petty drama and delightful characters.

But second of all--she wrote this letter to her publisher. "Hi, here's my book, I hate it".

OH DLS, I lo-five you across time, because that feels very familiar, even if I'm just working on a long-ass fanfic. Once it's done I will get the urge to hurl it to a beta reader with some uncomplimentary words about it, as if that would entice anyone into reading, and seeing DLS do the same thing makes me feel better.

I was talking to sakana17 about some favorite tropes, like character X transforming into a monster and character Y immediately recognizing them anyway (sigh!) and she wrote me this delicious bonbon:

The Monster Who Came Back (3652 words) by sakana17
Fandom: 镇魂 | Guardian (TV 2018)
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Relationships: Shen Wei/Zhao Yunlan
Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Character Transformation, Fix-It of Sorts
Summary:

"Shen Wei?" Zhao Yunlan said as he looked into the large, troubled, teary eyes of the man he loved.

'I hurt him,' he thought. 'I was the one who broke his heart.' What could he say now?

I could add some disclaimer like "for me" but I suspect this experience is near-universal. Even though it always feels like everyone else has no problems with writing, I know they do, and I sure do.

Stage 1: yay story writing is fun!

Stage 2: NO IT IS NOT THAT WAS WRONG INFORMATION

Stage 3: everything is terrible

Stage 4: okay the first half is fine but the second half is GARBAGE

Stage 5: is it the end yet, even if nobody undressed or talked or had a feeling (that's good enough right)

Stage 6: is it the end NOW

Stage 7: now?

Stage 8: welp wtf even is this? Is it a story or a scarf for elephants?

Stage 9: (story goes out to a kind beta friend, with apologies for inflicting such trauma)

There are other stages after that, to do with beta and fixing and "oh hey actually maybe this is okay after all" and then finally posting the story and getting reader feedback (this is the GOLDEN HOUR), but this first cycle is just me alone.

And if you were guessing, yes, you were right, I'm currently in stage 3. :X

Regular reader and reviewer of PODs (printed-on-demand books, often self-published) answers the question: how can you tell from the first sentence that a book is bad?

Like this.

I particularly like the one that uses ten exclamation marks in one sentence.

ahary has translated my Hercules story Five Things That Never Happened to Iolaus of Thebes, and it's now available in Russian on the Iolausian Corner. I've had some bad experiences with translations that I hadn't even been approached about, but this is different, and a strange and flattering thing - to read your own story in another language, transformed with great skill and sensitivity. I particularly like what she did with Charon, who uses some fantastic expressions that my dictionary doesn't even list.

In talking to Ahary, I was struck by her comment:

Sex scenes and fighting scenes are the hardest for me. We don`t distinguish the same body parts, and even if we do, they often don`t move the same way as in English. I translated a book once where the hero`s stabbed toe was an important part of the plot and I was stuck with "палец на ноге" for hundred plus pages and author didn`t even specify which toe it was. *g*

The word for 'toe' and 'finger' is the same in Russian. So is the word for 'arm' and 'hand', and the word for 'leg' and 'foot'. And this seems perfectly natural when reading Russian novels, but imagine having to translate an English one. Or even a slash story.

I'm not a fan of story warnings in general, but sometimes they just save so much time. Here are some newly discovered favourites. Feel free to add yours. *eg*

"MAJOR Warning!! This story has Lesbian themes and deals in detail with feelings of that type, if you are in anyway offended by this idea or by how I portray it… (I am Heterosexual so I really apologize to anyone I may have offended if I wrote it wrong! It wasn’t intentional, I swear!) Then please leave now."

"Warnings: Once again, jammies."

"TISSUE WARNING: You might want to have a box of tissues handy before reading this story."

"Warnings: Yes, it’s a het fic. Don’t all die of shock, it’s merely a plot device for the J/D sequel to follow later."

"Warnings: Torture/abuse, H/C, surgical removal of one damaged testicle."

I've already asked questions of ltlj and flambeau. This is a fun meme, so here goes:

Ask me one question - any one - about my writing, then, if you wish, post this in your LJ so I can satisfy my curiosity about yours.

I'm slowly getting back to my normal self after the Martian Death Flu, and trying to remember how to do this writing and vidding thing. Still waiting for the H:tLJ season 5 dvds. I perk up at every little red mail truck that goes by, and since we have a post office around the corner, there are many such trucks either zooming past or stopping at the Turkish bakery. Nothing is as disappointing as seeing a mail truck come to a stop nearby, only to realize that the driver is bent on Turkish pizza, not delivering packages.

I think you need to be in a certain frame of mind to find this funny. Luckily, I am.

Deep Fanfic Thoughts, by Jack Handey:

If they had fanfic back in the Dark Ages, I bet the most common question readers would ask is, "Can't you put a catapult in this story?" No, I'm sorry. That would violate canon.

If I ever write a rapefic, I hope I am able to bring a certain lightheartedness to the subject, in a way that tells the reader we are going to have fun with this thing.

Sometimes I think the world would be better off if I never wrote another word. No, wait, not me, you.

I think there should be something in fanfic called the "reindeer effect." I don't know what it would be, but when you give feedback on someone's story you could really impress everyone by saying, "You know, this fic could have been really great if it wasn't for the whole reindeer effect."

I can picture in my mind a list where everyone engages in fascinating, incisive debates on important ideas, where creativity is nurtured and all opinions are equally respected. And I can picture trolling that list into oblivion, because they'd never see it coming.

ltlj said interesting things in email about familiar characters migrating from one story into another, and how they can easily change into brand-new characters by acquiring a new world to live in and new problems to solve.

( About writing, Mrs. Norris and freedom )